Five Apps You'll Be a Horrible Parent Without

You’re a smart parent. You have a smartphone. You’re familiar with apps that create loud, bright emergency diversions like YouTube, Hulu and Netflix. But here are some Android apps that will kick up your parenting game seven or eight whole notches.

*Image cropped to remove several square inches of empty space

1. Fortune Clock

by Swiven. $0.

This is a handy alarm clock app that — and this is a huge game-changer — also incorporates fortune-telling. You meditate on a problem that’s been bothering you, then you tap one of eight symbols “by intuition.” A wild fortune appears!

“When you prepare something already, marches forward courageously, it’s real good symbol for you!” Fortune Clock says. “Due to this factor, you will sacrifice time of with your family, even away from your lover…”

It’s super effective! And this is obviously much more sophisticated than somebody’s first attempt at coding an Android app. Each fortune feels uniquely crafted and comes with at least 7 sets of contradictory advice.

2. Dancing Toilet Fun Dance Game

by Mibejo Mobile. $0.

This app’s strongest point? It does what it says in the title. A poorly drawn cartoon toilet with big angry eyes dances to synthesized music when you press the “dance” button. A poop appears, complete with fart noise, when you press the poop button. When you press the “F” button, you hear a flush and the poop shrinks until it disappears, because that’s exactly how toilets work. When you press the back button on your device, a giant ad swivels to cover the entire screen. If Dancing Toilet Fun Dance Game isn’t your thing, you can check out another app from the developer, Dancing Poo Virtual Pet Dance.

3. Alien Scanner UFO Radar

by Circle Star Software. $0.

Possibly the most complete UFO Radar app I’ve installed. It has a sweeping purple arm, some moving yellow triangles and even a moving red dot! There’s a transceiver tuned into the intergalactic frequency for scary text messages, and words like “humans” “earthlings” “mothership” and “surrender” scroll by in an intricate pattern that seems random until you stare at them for seven minutes straight and the paranoia kicks in.

Marcanthony Garcia gave Alien Scanner UFO Radar three stars, saying: “its fake why do the yellow triangles hoover and red dot fly plus all it said on the tanseiver was attack surrender human contact earth and earthlings but i gave it a good review because it did scare me at first lol”

To sum up, Alien Scanner UFO Radar is an indispensable app for anyone who wants to detect free audiobooks and can’t remember audible.com’s URL.

4. Fingertip Violin Playing

Canada HadAPP Team. $0.

This app opens to the minimalistic interface of a tiny violin on a white background. When you touch the screen, a tiny bow appears beneath your finger. Then violin music starts playing, even though your finger isn’t moving. After wiggling your finger around for a couple of seconds, you realize the movement of your bow has nothing to do with the music. You are a deaf violinist, and no matter what horrible screeching sounds you could potentially be making, in your own mind it all sounds like a beautifully performed and horribly compressed classical recording. A “More” button will just play the recordings for you without all the tedious bow waggling. The “Supply” button opens a window, which reads:

“How to support this app?

Give me 5 Stars;

Share with friends;Tell me problems;

(button) Give 5 Stars (button) Later”

This app, while not really a workable replacement for the “world’s tiniest violin” gag where you rub your fingers together and make violin sounds with your mouth to accompany a friend’s melodrama, is a nice reminder that there’s someone out there to whom you can tell your problems.

5. Scales Simulator

by Piupiu. $0.

Like some of the other apps on this list, Scales Simulator really earns points for simplicity. When you put your finger on the picture of the scale, it displays a completely random number — down to the thousandths! Of course, to get to the picture of the scale, you have to get past the loading screen, then press the start button partially obscured by an ad, then close out of the full-screen ad that pops up. But don’t worry! There’s a big blue arrow that takes you back to the screen with the start button, in case you missed the ad there. The app has one shortcoming, as Elvin Babayev points out: “Works if only put your finger. Very very bad.” Indeed, if you try to place other objects on the picture of the scale — such as the tiny mound of white powder featured on the app’s cover — it fails to generate a random number. I can imagine several situations involving tiny mounds of white powder and impulsive decisions that could end up “very very bad” if you were to rely on Scales Simulator. That’s why it’s important to read the app description: “Make fun with friends with scales simulation.” And that’s where this app really shines.

So remember! You can't be a good parent without these apps. Your parents didn't have these apps, and they were horrible, remember? Don't let some therapist pin all your kids' hangups on you! Get these apps!

I’d promise a sequel of iOS Apps You Can’t Parent Without, but I don’t have any Apple devices. And it seems like they might have some sort of app vetting process.

Elmo vs. Red Monster Mascot

Charlotte, 17 months old, has had her first interaction with a brand. Until recently, she only had one word for “adult who takes care of me” (“dada”), and long before she’d say “Mama” on demand, she had a word for Elmo. Sure, that word is “Memo,” but she makes her demands clear enough when she stands in front of the computer monitor and shouts, “Meh-MO? Meh-MO? Meh-MO?”

Red Monster Mascot

It’s the same tactic she uses with food, which she calls nana. She starts out at a normal volume, putting a raised inflection on the last syllable like it’s a question. “Nana?” If she’s not fed within the next two thirds of a second, she repeats herself, getting louder each time. “Nana? Na-NA? NA-NA?”

It's not the Elmo brand itself that worries me. He's nonviolent and educational. Yeah, he has a different baby in his house every week, and that's a huge red flag, but he broadcasts interviews with these babies on his show, so I figure it's not a hostage situation. I mean, if you delivered a pizza to Jimmy Fallon's house and you accidentally saw Emma Watson tied to a chair, it'd be a good move to call the cops. But when you see Emma on The Tonight Show and Jimmy demands no ransom, it's probably on the level. So Elmo doesn't bother me — but the idea that companies are already cultivating brand loyalty in my 17-month-old does.

I know marketers did a number on me as a kid. My dad only drinks Coca-Cola. I think colas taste like muddy gasoline, but if I need a sugar or caffeine boost and my options are down to Coke or Pepsi, I'll always choose Coke. If my options are down to Pepsi, I'll choose water and drowsiness. At work, It took me more than a year to realize I might also buy from the Pepsi vending machine in the break room, even though I saw it every day. This despite Pepsi and Coke both tasting like muddy gasoline.

Another example: Legos. I used to play Legos with my two brothers, and we eschewed Tyco Mega Bloks (We also chewed Tyco Mega Bloks, but we chewed up everything as kids.). We got to the point where we could instantly discern the texture and color differences between Legos and Mega Bloks, and if my character Skullhead made a doomsday device incorporating even a single Mega Blok, no one would take it seriously.

Of course, my brand loyalty for Lego paid off years later when I learned that Lego was struggling to make a profit because they couldn't get patent protection against Mega Bloks’ incessant copying of their product in all its varieties. I felt like I was supporting the artistic integrity of Lego against plastic plagiarism. And then Lego licensed Star Wars sets in the late '90s, and finally they had something Mega Bloks couldn't copy. Fast forward to 2014, when the company had picked up enough licenses to make The Lego Movie into the most surreal character mashup ever to hit the big screen — one character can’t keep Gandalf and Dumbledore straight, and (spoilers) Batman steals the Millenium Falcon’s hyperdrive. The one thing they couldn’t seem to do was bring both Marvel and DC comic characters into the movie, despite selling sets from both.

My family’s criteria for brand loyalty selection was pretty weird. We stuck to brand names for Coke, Legos and outdoor gear. Outside those areas, we had Western Family corn flakes and Honey & Nut Toasted Oats and Equate ibuprofen. I suppose the rule I learned in my household is that anything that can save your life — climbing gear, tents, M&Ms — you don’t mess around with. Food’s not as important. In my grandfather’s words: “I don’t know why we spend all this money on food. We’re just going to eat it anyway.” With anything your kids want, sneak some off-brands in there and see if they kick up a fuss.

I hope Charlotte appreciates when Red Monster Mascot shows up at her birthday party.