This blog will be a record of what happens when two people who are pretty bad at soliciting and following advice try to start a family together. In other words, it's a tragic-humor blog.
Sarah says I have to write every other blog post. I checked the blog's stats as I finished work a little after midnight. In the past couple of hours, it looks like at least 14 people have read Sarah's post. That makes this blog the most popular I've ever owned.
You should read Sarah's post, it's really good. If you haven't noticed, all the big colorful words in her article are hyperlinks. Also, some of the things she wrote don't apply to me. Contrary to her assertion, I am mean and hate some people.
I love Sarah, though. Partly as a result of this, she is pregnant. People tell stories about how wives can get cranky when pregnant; not Sarah. She bakes me cookies.
I'm a little scared. I've never been good at grown-up things, like filing taxes or remembering to vote. Part of me thinks I'll be a great father, and the other part has a lot of questions.
Part of me #1: Man, I'm gonna be great at raising a baby.
Part of me #2: Yeah? What are you going to do with a baby?
Part #1: I dunno. Play videogames? Eat sandwiches?
I don't even know what we'll name the baby. Thinking about it gives me weird feelings, sometimes. Right now, we're thinking of Dela, after the Beautiful Girls' cover of a song by that name. I listened to it four times in a row after my co-workers left the office tonight, and I almost cried. For those of you who don't know me, I'm really tough, so I rarely cry.
Even if we don't name her Dela, I think I'm going to sing that song as a lullaby.
Unless the baby turns out to be a boy. In which case — son, I apologize, if you're reading. I have other great names thought up for you.
BOSS US AROUND SEGMENT: If you've got advice for soon-to-be parents, leave it in the post comments. The most hilarious bit of advice wins a bag of Skittles. The most useful advice wins the successful perpetuation of the human race.
ADDED VALUE: Try saying the post title aloud.
congratulations Steve and Sarah! Good luck. I don't know myself but I heard babies are a thing that can happen. most of the time it ends up ok. Almost all the time when you give it love. So chin up.
ReplyDeleteSteph says when people ask you what your birth plan is, tell them "We will go to the hospital, and get the baby out." Apparently people like that. She also says a fat man with a slight southern drawl in the grocery store told her, "Speaking from personal experience, you can rub that belly all you want, but it won't make it go away." On a more useful note, I think you should practice doing things with your eyes closed. Warming up bottles, changing diapers, walking from the bedroom to the rest of the house, cooking, writing checks, working, driving. You know, anything that you can see yourself doing at any point in the upcoming year. It's better to know how to do these things with your eyes closed. Because if you hit a really sleep deprived patch, trying to get the eyelids open at 4 AM for the umpteenth time feels a lot like dragging dry sandpaper across your eyeball. Both while going up, and down. Maybe just practice sleeping with your eyes open. That could work too.
ReplyDeleteWill our skittles be original flavors, or those weird new flavors? Will they be delivered by a reputable delivery company, or through the standard "friends and family are driving that direction anyway" fiasco?
Oh, man. I'm going to declare you the winner. You can pick up your Wild Berry Skittles at our Logan office (call for directions). Or maybe we can come visit you.
ReplyDelete